I don't know if people still read these things...

I am at a realization moment right now. For me about to graduate. I have started realizing that I am lost... Not in the way of salvation but in life... The only thing I am sure of right now is wanting to marry my fiance... I will have a degree which I am not sure is going to get me much more than working for walmart in the coming weeks as I look at moving back to wayland... Realizing that yes I enjoy helping people but i have let so many people tell me where to go and what to do over the years that I am about to be cut free and I have no clue what to do... I wanted to be an architect when I left for college... Due to family things I was forced to go to wayland which at that time had nothing even close... in fact for here my only options were business or christian ministries... and realizing that both were not a real option I went to plainview... because that was really the only option that my family gave me... at the time helping me pay a bit of college and holding onto my savings for the rest... yeah... So I moved around... Eventually settling in the history dept. for a semester... I loved it there... it made me realize that I want to teach... I love the excitement of the classroom though on a collegiate level... Then though I realized that history was not my cup of tea... I may like it but "I do not have what it takes to get a degree in it"... If I remember the words correctly... So I moved on drifting back to the religion dept... thinking maybe... so I moved there and then I really started to fail... because they put me... someone who had no english background... I left school for all intents and purposes in the third grade... and other than an organization course from sylvan have no knowledge of how to write a paper or even a basis in grammar... as you can probably tell... into classes with mega papers... the other students were grad students... aaah... So I fail something like 3 or 4 classes and tank my GPA because the teachers as nice as they are have no heart to tell you that you are failing and to drop the classes... I love them though... So then I move to the social sciences department... I love it there I love learning about people and how they interact... I know I want to help people eventually... But, I do not know how... Now I am about to graduate from the Alaska campus... came full circle... I have to say this has been the worst semester of my college career... I am taking classes that I have no interest in and relate in no way to my degree... They are mind numbing at best and so hard at times they drive me to tears at the worst... My family has been wonderful to me on the studying and academic side... letting me have the time that I need for studies... However when I bring up promises and things from before I agreed to come up they seem to flake on them telling me that it is probably not going to happen... Now I am not sure if this has been because things have changed within the family or something is up... which they have never surprised me with anything before so... I feel torn inside... I had so many goals that I have been working towards over the past months and all but one have been torn down and not in a gentle way... they have all been ripped apart and stepped on in my opinion... The only part that I have left to look forward to is seeing my fiance and friends... and then I have to start worrying about a job and a place to live... since I am moving... I had so many goals... a trip after graduation... gone... then it was a car... nope... well I am getting a car just it might run on something resembling a cross between a rubberband and a rub goldman device... I am McGivers love child... even a good job that I would enjoy... not really looking good... Walmart or a sign on the side of the road are looking good right now... sigh... There were many other goals and dreams but what I am really trying to say is "what do I do?"

I have been living off of so many others play book for so long... I am looking at my options and what is looking good right now is getting a job... maybe starting my masters in counseling... which I want to become a marriage counselor one day however I need to find something that will help my family eat as well... because I was going to go for a masters in social work but that is looking like it will take a few years to start and I am not sure I would enjoy it in any way whatsoever... I like hearing problems... not filling out paperwork... I mean gosh I have arthritis in my writing hand :P sigh... I need to figure out where I am going...

and it doesn't help to have my family tell me that buying a car would be irresponsible of me with no real reason... I am still thinking this is very odd... because I told them I would need transportation for a good job...

I am so confused right now... and I am also so tired... I have a 15 page paper due on monday as well as a 30 minute presentation... both are group projects and my partner works for the state and is called away quite frequently... I have only heard one thing from him in the past month... so I am thinking I am going to have to do this alone and give him the credit for helping... and it is for ethics class... I have two more papers due by next week... and 4 more the week after... I am looking at about 120 pages of papers this month alone... On  topics I really don't like... aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh... Am I ethical HAHAAHAHAHA... why do I have to write about something that doesn't apply to me...

I do have to say that the only things that have and continue to keep me going are my fiance and my good friends around me... Those of you who lend me support and prayers thank you... They really do help... It feels good knowing that someone is out there thinking of you and wishing you the best... Thank you...

God has been talking to me a lot over the past months and I am not sure about all of it... there is a lot I need to reflect on to try to understand... Though i am happy to be going home soon... I will miss my family but there is a time when a child needs to try to stand on his own... I have realized in this step I have taken to come up here to finish my degree I have actually stood still... I will have my degree but in the process I have lost much of the individuality and independence that I have worked so hard over the past few years to develop... because I know that if I was down there in plainview I would not be going through as much internal turmoil as I am here... Here I feel lost and adrift... there I would have an idea of a direction and a path... please pray that I find it when down there... though I think it will involve me going to classes back at wayland for my masters... scuba Gregg here we go... it's Old Gregg... and he is coming home... b.t.w. anyone know of any good apartments around town... I can come up with the cash for it but, I need to know prices and sizes if possible... John any more around where you all are... smaller one or two bedrooms perhaps... Thanks for listening to the rant... Yeah that really helped I think I can sleep now :D

I am feeling so depressed right now...

There is nothing for me here. The only thing that I have for me here is a degree. but what is that worth if I feel hollow and empty inside. I have no one here to love for me, no one here to care for me. My family does nothing, there is nothing that resembles togetherness. I need a hug so badly and there is no one to give it to me. There is no one to hold me and no one to care for me here... My Love is so far away and it is all my fault... why did I listen to God... Why did I pray for help... I feel I made the worst mistake of my life... I feel hollow and alone in the dark...

WE ARE ENGAGED !!! :D

This is a message from Ana & Gregg...